How Self-Talk and Self-Treatment Shape Our Motherhood (And Kids)
Brooke Slade
We often hear that children learn by watching, but have you ever considered just how deeply they mirror us? It's not just about copying our actions; it's about absorbing our internal dialogue, picking up on our self-perception, and observing the way we treat ourselves. This "mirror effect" is a big parenting truth. And, while it may seem inevitable, understanding it can transform how we approach both our self-care and our relationships with our children.
Our Internal Dialogue Echoes
Our children are constantly listening, not just to our words, but to the subtle undercurrent of our self-talk. If we habitually criticize ourselves aloud or are constantly impatient with ourselves, our children can internalize that critical voice or begin to mimic our hurried minds and bodies. They can pick up that being self-judge-y is normal, and they may begin to apply that same harsh lens to themselves. On the other hand, if we practice self-compassion in front of them, acknowledging our imperfections with kindness and understanding, we can teach them to do the same. This isn't about pretending to be perfect; it's about modeling self-acceptance.
Example 1: Instead of saying, "Ugh, I'm such a mess," try, "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but I'm going to take a moment to breathe."
Example 2: Instead of rushing to get out of the house and getting frustrated with yourself (and possibly taking that out on everyone else), try moving slower and remembering, you may be running late, but things take the time they take, that’s life, especially with kids. Moving quickly and being unkind to yourself will only make you feel worse and more stressed. Staying calm and self-kind in this moment will show your children that calm and self-compassion can be found, always. Be the calm guide they need.
Self-Care as a Blueprint for Self-Worth:
How we prioritize (or neglect) our own well-being sends a powerful message to our children about self-worth. If we consistently put our needs last, sacrificing sleep, meals, and rest moments, we inadvertently teach them that one’s personal needs are secondary. However, when we prioritize self-care, we demonstrate that we value ourselves, and by extension, we value them. This isn't about indulging in extravagant spa days (though those are nice!); it's about the everyday acts of self-care that reinforce our inherent worth. Again, you can show up for yourself in front of them and as their model or guide.
Example: Make time for a walk, read a book, take some quiet time and, if present, communicate to your child(ren) that you are taking time for yourself so they can (1) learn about the boundary of giving mom space and (2) see mom relaxing, resting, and being kind to herself.
Emotional Regulation: A Learned Behavior
Our ability to manage our emotions directly impacts our children's emotional development. If we react to stress with anger, frustration, or withdrawal, we teach them that these are the appropriate responses. But if we model healthy emotional regulation, taking deep breaths, communicating our feelings calmly, and seeking support when needed, we empower them to do the same. Children learn to manage their feelings by watching how we manage ours.
Example: If you feel overwhelmed, say, "I'm feeling a little frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a break for a few minutes."
Ultimately, understanding the mirror effect empowers us to become more mindful parents. By treating ourselves with kindness, compassion, and respect, we create a ripple effect that benefits not only ourselves but also our children, shaping their self-perception and their approach to the world.
If we cultivate a sense of inner calm, patience, and kindness, we can create a gentler and more nurturing environment for our children to thrive in. Remember, the goal is not perfection, but consistent effort. Practice slowing down, taking deep breaths, and speaking to yourself and your children with kindness and patience.
Sending big love as you navigate this chapter of parenthood, friends! More questions on this topic? Let’s chat in the comments or send me a message :)